Tom's Corner
Bitch Slap
(2010, Rick Jacobson, director)
I really don't understand some people's sexual fetishes. I mean, yeah, we all have our particular buttons that once pressed, get us going, but some things just don't strike me or most other people as sexy. I've never been turned on by women doing hard labor...you know, digging holes, stuff like that. Riding a woman like a horse? Nope, not getting me going. Two women fighting has never even gotten a teeny rise out of me. Ditto to chicks holding large firearms. And those guys who pose photos of women in order to make said women look like they are giantesses? That one I really don't get. “Bitch Slap” is full of those things that just don't titillate me, but seem to be intended to (except the giantess thing; that one just really makes me wonder...does ANYONE really get off to that?). In fact, the movie barely entertains.
Our story is focused around three women: Hel (Erin Cummings) is a ball-busting businesswoman...or is she? Trixie (Julia Voth) is a bubble-headed stripper...or is she? And lastly Camero (America Olivo), a drug popping crazy-ass ex-con with anger management issues...or is...ok, that's exactly what she is. They are apparently searching for 200 million dollars worth of diamonds that were obtained by Gage (Michael Hurst, who along with appearances by Kevin Sorbo, Lucy Lawless, and Renee O'Connor, makes this movie a reunion of the stars of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys and Xena Warrior Princess), possibly from mythical crime figure Pinky. Pinky is a big bad boogieman of the underworld, a person who kills all adversaries and has never been seen. It may surprise you to learn that one of the three women is Pinky...unless you've seen “The Usual Suspects,” of course, since that's where this oh-so-shocking turn of events was stolen from. Unlike that movie, though, this one offers no intelligent sub-text or psychological thrills.
Parts of this movie DO invoke old hair metal videos though, with the girls digging to what sounds like someone trying to recapture that sleazy ol' Sunset Strip sound. I half expected to see Slash playing guitar in the background, cigarette dangling out of his mouth, as Axl wails. But the music isn't even at that level. No, for this movie, at least for one song, we get a group that calls themselves the Eagles of Death Metal. Yup, you did not read that wrong. This group's name, at least to me, means this is the way that the Eagles would sound like if Don Fucking Henley played death metal. Well fuck, sounds like a way to make a buck. Think I'll start a band called the Air Supply of Gangster Rap. We'll see how the fuck that goes, ok?
Unbeknownst to all three, as well as the audience, they and Gage were all involved in the big barn dance...er...shoot-out at the Glory Hole Casino. You'll find out about this, and everything else, for that matter, in a series of movie interrupting flashbacks. Where has Deputy Fuchs seen Trixie before? There's a Flashback! for that. How did any of the characters meet? There's a Flashback! for that. And nearly every single one of these flashbacks were shot on green screen. Hell, the desert trailer where Gage stows his goods was the only thing NOT on green screen. This film is a classic example of a filmmaker who can't have the characters tell each other anything. Every tiny little detail of their past that comes up and may be important must be shown in a flashback. It gets...painful. How painful?
This is Flashback. She is a character from DC Comic's “separate but equal” Milestone universe. She has the power to turn back time a few seconds. Even SHE would be annoyed by the amount of flashbacks in this movie and she was a damned crackhead.
So, what have we learned today? Why, several things: Sexual fetishes are confusing. No one is who they say they are. The Eagles of Death Metal need a new name. “Bitch Slap” is not a very good movie. Lesson over. Go watch something good.
- Tom Trombley
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