Tom's Corner:
Joshikyôei hanrangun AKA Attack Girls Swim Team Vs. The Undead
(2007, Koji Kawano director)
Y'know...I have spoken before about the sheer, how shall we put this, crazy-assed craziness of Japan, but the time comes when you start to wonder about more aspects of the country's culture. What do they do for fun? What do they do when they're sad? Do they have a movie channel the equivalent of Cinemax, and if so, what would they show? Well, I'm not sure of the answers, but I know that Attack Girls Swim Team Vs. The Undead is the type of movie that would be shown on this mythical Japanese Cinemax.
For my readers not familiar with Cinemax movies, let me explain. Late at night, Cinemax plays movies that could be easily classified as softcore pornography. They feature such classy titles as Hot Line Fiery Desires and Co-Ed Confidential: The First Time. They also feature fake chested horrible actresses who fuck their way through most of the cast (man, woman or convenient vegetables are all included as cast members, the vegetables being the best actors of the bunch). This is one of the main reasons why Cinemax has earned the nickname Skinemax. Now, explanation's over, we mostly unflinchingly take a look at our badly translated, subtitled feature presentation.
Our main character, Aki, is a self-described former “water terrorist.” As far as I can figure, this is someone who terrorizes water. How one would terrorize water, I do not have the ability to comprehend. It wasn't her fault though. She was trained in the deadly arts by the evil doctor, who isn't given a name, so I'll just call him Dr. Masturbation-Flute, or Dr. M-F for short. Why would I pick such a name for a nefarious instructor of water terrorists? He also plays the flute. He plays it so well, in fact, that Aki has no control over herself and masturbates uncontrollably whenever she hears his flute playing.
Now, I need to talk to the men in the audience. Ladies, stop reading for a while, nothing to see here.
Ok, are they gone? Cool. Guys, how many of you now want to take up the flute, on the off chance that you'll have those magical flutist masturbation causing powers? Yeah, me too. You'd be like the Pied Piper of Porn. Oh shit, they're getting curious....
Ladies, come on back. Oh nothing, nothing...you didn't miss a thing. Moving on....
Aki eventually escapes the evil Dr. M-F, and decides to go to school (killing is only one kind of education, after all). While there, we meet the girls swim team, one of whom, Sayaka, pushes Aki into the pool for no particular reason. Oh wait, there's one reason: CUE GRATUITOUS SHOWER SCENE! After getting clean, the girls wander about, and over the announcement system we learn there is a mandatory vaccination being given because of a “popular new disease.” The disease, in case you're wondering, eventually gets elected homecoming king and becomes quarterback of the football team.
The vaccinations turn the students and teachers into flesh consuming crazies. The teachers become even MORE crazy, one juggling razor sharp rulers and the other seducing the principal only to remove parts of him with scissors. Aki pretty much knows whats going on (who do you think is behind the zombie juice?) and jumps through a random window in time to save Sayaka from her zombie teammate. They run away and find more teammates and more psycho zombies. Aki kills one teacher but gets knocked out (fake ass punches, I might add). Why don't the swim team members get infected? Something in the pool water, apparently. Yep, massive zombie plague got you down? Throw chlorinated water on 'em! Fucking Hell....
Aki later wakes up in a kitchen, and gets seduced by Sayaka: CUE GRATUITOUS LESBIAN SCENE! And where did that guitar come from? Afterwards, Aki goes to face Dr. M-F alone, and Sayaka urges the rest of the girls to fight. They don their swimsuits (what better outfits to fight zombies in than swimsuits that expose a lot of flesh?) and grab makeshift weapons. They just forget one thing: they can't fight worth a shit. After they all die (except Sayaka, who is knocked out after she kills a teacher), Dr. M-F plays his flute for Aki. She reveals she has half a brain and is wearing earplugs. Then she kicks Dr. M-F's monkey-ass.
Aki saves Sayaka, who drugs her (yep, Sayaka was evil) and is killed by...Dr. M-F's evil twin brother, who we'll call Nipple-Clamp Electro-Shock Fingers, Esq (I don't know if he IS a lawyer, but hey, if your twin brother is an evil doctor, you want some kind of title to feel equal, right?). N-C E-S F Esq falls for the oldest trick in the book, Aki's all purpose PUSSY-LASER! Yes really. Aki decides to go swimming, but...WOW that medicine she was drugged with prohibits swimming for 8 hours after ingesting...and she dies in the pool, naked. Really. No shit. THAT is how they end it. Feel like you'd waste your time watching this? Well, I DID waste my time watching it. Pity me more. This movie sucked so bad, well, to describe it I'm obliged to go to the experts here:
Joshikyôei hanrangun AKA Attack Girls Swim Team Vs. The Undead
(2007, Koji Kawano director)
Y'know...I have spoken before about the sheer, how shall we put this, crazy-assed craziness of Japan, but the time comes when you start to wonder about more aspects of the country's culture. What do they do for fun? What do they do when they're sad? Do they have a movie channel the equivalent of Cinemax, and if so, what would they show? Well, I'm not sure of the answers, but I know that Attack Girls Swim Team Vs. The Undead is the type of movie that would be shown on this mythical Japanese Cinemax.
For my readers not familiar with Cinemax movies, let me explain. Late at night, Cinemax plays movies that could be easily classified as softcore pornography. They feature such classy titles as Hot Line Fiery Desires and Co-Ed Confidential: The First Time. They also feature fake chested horrible actresses who fuck their way through most of the cast (man, woman or convenient vegetables are all included as cast members, the vegetables being the best actors of the bunch). This is one of the main reasons why Cinemax has earned the nickname Skinemax. Now, explanation's over, we mostly unflinchingly take a look at our badly translated, subtitled feature presentation.Our main character, Aki, is a self-described former “water terrorist.” As far as I can figure, this is someone who terrorizes water. How one would terrorize water, I do not have the ability to comprehend. It wasn't her fault though. She was trained in the deadly arts by the evil doctor, who isn't given a name, so I'll just call him Dr. Masturbation-Flute, or Dr. M-F for short. Why would I pick such a name for a nefarious instructor of water terrorists? He also plays the flute. He plays it so well, in fact, that Aki has no control over herself and masturbates uncontrollably whenever she hears his flute playing.
Now, I need to talk to the men in the audience. Ladies, stop reading for a while, nothing to see here.
Ok, are they gone? Cool. Guys, how many of you now want to take up the flute, on the off chance that you'll have those magical flutist masturbation causing powers? Yeah, me too. You'd be like the Pied Piper of Porn. Oh shit, they're getting curious....
Ladies, come on back. Oh nothing, nothing...you didn't miss a thing. Moving on....
Aki eventually escapes the evil Dr. M-F, and decides to go to school (killing is only one kind of education, after all). While there, we meet the girls swim team, one of whom, Sayaka, pushes Aki into the pool for no particular reason. Oh wait, there's one reason: CUE GRATUITOUS SHOWER SCENE! After getting clean, the girls wander about, and over the announcement system we learn there is a mandatory vaccination being given because of a “popular new disease.” The disease, in case you're wondering, eventually gets elected homecoming king and becomes quarterback of the football team.The vaccinations turn the students and teachers into flesh consuming crazies. The teachers become even MORE crazy, one juggling razor sharp rulers and the other seducing the principal only to remove parts of him with scissors. Aki pretty much knows whats going on (who do you think is behind the zombie juice?) and jumps through a random window in time to save Sayaka from her zombie teammate. They run away and find more teammates and more psycho zombies. Aki kills one teacher but gets knocked out (fake ass punches, I might add). Why don't the swim team members get infected? Something in the pool water, apparently. Yep, massive zombie plague got you down? Throw chlorinated water on 'em! Fucking Hell....
Aki later wakes up in a kitchen, and gets seduced by Sayaka: CUE GRATUITOUS LESBIAN SCENE! And where did that guitar come from? Afterwards, Aki goes to face Dr. M-F alone, and Sayaka urges the rest of the girls to fight. They don their swimsuits (what better outfits to fight zombies in than swimsuits that expose a lot of flesh?) and grab makeshift weapons. They just forget one thing: they can't fight worth a shit. After they all die (except Sayaka, who is knocked out after she kills a teacher), Dr. M-F plays his flute for Aki. She reveals she has half a brain and is wearing earplugs. Then she kicks Dr. M-F's monkey-ass.Aki saves Sayaka, who drugs her (yep, Sayaka was evil) and is killed by...Dr. M-F's evil twin brother, who we'll call Nipple-Clamp Electro-Shock Fingers, Esq (I don't know if he IS a lawyer, but hey, if your twin brother is an evil doctor, you want some kind of title to feel equal, right?). N-C E-S F Esq falls for the oldest trick in the book, Aki's all purpose PUSSY-LASER! Yes really. Aki decides to go swimming, but...WOW that medicine she was drugged with prohibits swimming for 8 hours after ingesting...and she dies in the pool, naked. Really. No shit. THAT is how they end it. Feel like you'd waste your time watching this? Well, I DID waste my time watching it. Pity me more. This movie sucked so bad, well, to describe it I'm obliged to go to the experts here:
- Tom Trombley
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