July 23rd - Birthday Gift Ideas

My dear mother requests a new list each year. Birthday gift ideas. Some years I wouldn’t even remember my birthday if it weren’t for my mother asking for such a list. With all that I’m chewing from my current proverbial plate, my birthday this year could have easily slipped by almost untraced. Of course, my mother would never let that happen. But as much as my heart warmed at the loving email that delivered this year’s request, my overwhelmed mind puffed and pouted at the realization that I would have a new chore to complete with an all-too familiar deadline.

So, in the playful spirit of facetiousness, I offer the following birthday wish list for 2011. Thank you, Mom.

Windshield for a 2000 Grand Am, plus labor

Storm intuition; the ability to sense when a hail storm may drop bullets of ice on your car, particularly one massive enough to crack a windshield

Back corner window for a 2000 Grand Am, plus labor; or a roll of black duct tape

Magnetic key holder; a place to hide a spare car key should one be locked outside their car

Mechanic friend; someone who could properly diagnose problems with a car and fix them at a hugely discounted rate, preferably within a few days’ time

Mac Notebook with Final Cut 7 (or a new mother board for the water-damaged G5 that’s been in storage for many months)

A second employer; one that would pay a consistent wage for work that would not obligate me to think too much; or one that would pay a salary for work that would utilize my creative nature, intelligence, and productive work ethic

The second coming of Michael Jackson

An implant in my head that would be the equivalent to updating a computer’s RAM, so that I may not have to keep renewing books like “100 of the Best Business Books” from the library because I read too slowly

A haircut for under $12

A phone call with Eve Ensler, writer of The Vagina Monologues, where I could ask her permission to stage her play for one of our upcoming fundraising events to raise money for a feature film about domestic violence called “Miranda”

Smaller classroom size for my “Camera Shots, Angles & Movement” mini-course for Adventure Club’s summer program. (More specifically, fewer talkative students.)

Sleep

To get Ted Hope to read my feature-length screenplay, Indulgence

Memory

2-3 college students or recent grads with backgrounds in media, marketing, management, sales, or fundraising that are available to lend a few hours of their time a week in exchange for school credit and/or experience

Billy Joel’s return to lyrical rock music

Ice cream party for all my nieces, nephews and little cousins

On-Star system for my body indicating which parts of my body, if any, are in poor condition and why

Cooler jogging temperatures

Two tickets to Saturday Night Live


Thanks for reading!

Brian Ackley; www.wix.com/brianackley/filmmaker