Tom's Corner:
Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (AKA Ghost Rider 2)
2012, Neveldine/Taylor, dir.
I have been asked in the past to “tone it down some,” to “lessen my usage of profanity,” to “cut it out with the potty mouth.” You'll forgive me if I've beaten the metaphor like a dead horse, but I just want to stress that I have done so. I have watched movies so pants-shittingly terrible that to review them would have resulted in one long sentence whose only adjective would have been fuck (Doghouse I'm looking at you). For the remainder of this review, I shall attempt to exercise some self-censorship, and use the latest in censoring technology: to whit, I will replace every vowel in every bit of foul language with an asterisk. I thought I could rein it in indefinitely, I really and truly did.
But Brian Taylor and Mark Neveldine, you two have f*cking broken me.
I just watched Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance starring Nicolas Cage and several other actors who should have f*cking known better.
First off, a little comic book history lesson, and who better to give it than me? After all I count having read every issue of every Ghost Rider series (sans the western ones, of course, I'm not THAT much of a masochist) amongst my many sterling and diverse accomplishments. And I will tell you all now that some of those issues are a test of just how much horsesh*t one human being can shovel themselves through.
Anyway, we have a stunt cyclist (Evil Knievel was popular in 1972, ok?) named Johnny Blaze who makes a deal with the devil to save his stepfather's life, and surprise surprise, the devil lied. Johnny's daddy doesn't die of cancer, but instead in a fiery motorcycle crash. So Johnny, of course, reneges on his deal with the devil, and is about to lose his soul when his girlfriend Roxanne shows up, and banishes the devil. Much like herpes, the devil leaves something behind that will never quite go away: the soul of the demon Zarathos, bonded to Johnny's soul. And there ain't no Valtrex strong enough to get rid of that. Originally, Johnny only transformed at night, but later he gained control of the transformations. He fought some lame super-villains, most of whom were pawns of the devil and one of whom had a giant eyeball for a head. He even joined a lame superhero team that consisted of a couple of ex-X-Men and ex-Avengers. Even later, the transformations gained control of him, as Zarathos exerted his influence on Johnny. Eventually, Johnny gets stripped of Zarathos and goes on to live a somewhat normal life as a carnival performer, marries Roxanne, and has a couple of kids. Oh yeah, and the punk band Suicide wrote a song about him, that the Rollins Band later covered.
The peace of carnival ownership was not to last, as sh*t got really complicated and weird really quick. Another Ghost Rider showed up, with a cool leather jacket (Johnny Blaze wore a blue jumpsuit most of the time) and a cooler bike. This Ghost Rider fought that 90's staple villain the ubiquitous ninja, a weird vampire assassin named Blackout and more of those possessed by the devil villains. And he gets to hang out with Spider-Man a lot. Johnny, in a fit of rage and possibly jealousy since he hung out with Spider-Man first, decides to take up a shotgun and go cap the new Rider. Yes, he knows he's against a hugely powerful supernatural being, and takes a shotgun. Instead, they team up and somehow (we'll get to that in a minute) Johnny's now got a fire shooting shotgun. So later still, we find out that Johnny and this new Ghost Rider, Danny Ketch, are actually long lost brothers. Even later, we find out this new guy's deal: Danny is possessed by the spirit of their ancestor, Noble Kale. Seems Johnny was skipped because his mom made a deal with the devil, who then of course, screwed her over too. Anyway, Noble Kale eventually takes over hell. All of this is immaterial, since it was all revealed to be LIES. In an issue of Spider-Man. Johnny becomes Ghost Rider again, and gets trapped in and escapes from Hell about 2 or 3 times. Eventually, it turns out that Ghost Rider isn't a demon, it's an angel. And he has to fight rogue angels who want to take over heaven. And Danny's now evil and against him. It all works out in the end though, and everyone lives happily ever after, albeit with their heads sometimes on fire. Oh and later there's a lady Ghost Rider, but we won't talk about her, as we're all still trying to forget...
You may ask, why in the hell am I writing all this? The answer: The above confusing morass of garbage (and believe me, I distilled it down as best I could; hell I left out the even more bad*ss Ghost Rider, Vengeance, who was just Ghost Rider on steroids with more spikes on him...and he once kicked the Hulk in the balls) better than the sh*t that Neveldine/Taylor shoveled upon the screen.
It seems Johnny Blaze (Nicolas Cage at somewhat higher than his usual level of crazy) has fled to Europe and superstrong booze to cope with his head bursting into flame. Meanwhile, bad guys working for the devil want to find a random kid for the devil's latest secret plan. Oh yeah, the devil's name is Roarke. Also, he takes different hosts, one of whom may have been Jerry Springer. Anyway, this priest played by Idris Elba named Moreau comes to recruit Blaze. Idris Elba loves doing comic book movies. He was in Thor, and will be in the sequel, and was in the Losers. He's a bright spot here, as he offers Blaze a deal: help him save the kid, and he will bring Blaze to a group of priests who can take away his curse.
Well, Blaze accepts, and he's off to kill the bad guys with his fiery chain and also screaming in their faces...and oddly twitching in place sometimes. Expect car chases, lots of guns, missiles and other firepower being ineffectually shot at a flaming headed Nicolas Cage for about 95 minutes. Oh, and 90's Ghost Rider villain Blackout shows up...sorta. Other highlights include Blaze being fed old bread and locked in a strange circular tomb to have his curse removed. He appears to be doing nothing less than tripping his flaming balls off. I figure the bread was coated with ergot. The priests who own this freak out room are led by a bald and face tattooed Christopher Lambert playing Methodius, the kooky monk who commands legions (ok about a dozen if even) of warrior monks who can incapacitate you with a touch. The true highlight here, and the reason I am not sure if Cage should be committed or given a special crazy person's Oscar, is the scene where he interrogates a thug in a club. As soon as someone uploads this scene to Youtube, it's gonna become a phenomenon. Cage is at his craziest, and I am truly NOT sure he's acting. It's a scene I can watch over and over again.
This movie reminds me a lot of Green Lantern. Both dragged when the special effects laden superhero was absent, and both were just not that good. This one may go down as one of the worst superhero movies that's not Elektra or Catwoman. Only watch it if you're into “so bad they're good movies.”
DVD Special Features:
Deleted Scenes
Blu-Ray Special Features:
Director's Expanded Video Commentary
The Road to Vengeance: six-part documentary
- Tom
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