From the American Screenwriter's Association blog, comes this list:
Everyone seems to focus on what you should do to succeed as a screenwriter. We are getting a little bored with that, so we decided to focus on… how to fail!
1) Use a variety of fonts to make your screenplay look more interesting. And while you are at it, print it on pink alligator embossed cardstock and bind it with yellow leather.
2) Suggest actors and actresses, because producers have no clue who would fit your characters.
3) Provide long location descriptions including all the colors in the sky, what the bystanders look like, all the restaurants and smells, and...
4) ...while you are at it, explain why you chose those locations.
5) Include hundreds of named characters that have no lines and add nothing to the story line. Readers love to see long lists of names.
6) Make your screenplay over 130 pages long. If some is good, more is better.
7) Include your opinions of which camera angles, techniques, and directions should be used in each scene. Directors appreciate the help.
8) Give detailed instructions to actors to describe the character: “He speaks with a deep southern drawl, pronouncing his “A’s” with a slight “Ow” sound. Make it more Alabama than Tennesse, but not too Texan.” Or, “Since he is sad, be sure to include a partially pouty, partially downturned mouth.”
9) Right justify the whole screenplay. That way the reader doesn’t have to open the yellow leather binder as much.
10) Include the amount you want to be paid for your screenplay on the front cover.
11) Most importantly, include a cover letter insisting on a sit-down with the producer, director, and actors insisting that you want final decision power for all changes to your screenplay.
Remember, its YOUR screenplay, and don’t let THEM forget it!!!
(Hopefully you will identify the dripping sarcasm in this piece!)
- Lena
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