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Jennifer's Body (2009 Karyn Kusama, dir.)
Diablo Cody is a wonderful writer...most of the time. I thought Juno was brilliant. What little I've seen of United States of Tara is great. So I figured, despite all the negativity surrounding this movie, I'd give it a shot.
Ugh. What a waste of the hour and forty-two minutes I spent (OK OK I fast forwarded or muted some of the shit-tacular soundtrack, but my ears can only take so goddamned much).
What, oh what can I say about Megan Fox that she hasn't said herself? She said in an interview (here's a link if you don't believe me) that if you thought her acting was shitty, it was because she is shitty...no robots to distract you here. Well, OK thanks for stealing ALL MY FUCKING JOKES Megan. Cause folks, Megan Fox has the potential to be the next Pamela Anderson...provided the celebrity sex tape market don't dry up. Oh, she'll also need a washed up drummer (Rick Allen, here's your big shot...and if you're an offended Def Leppard fan, I don't give a shit, so fuck you and the mullet you rode in on).
A couple of other points on the film:
* Kyle Gallner (he played the goth kid), Jon Cryer called and he wants his Ducky routine back. Seriously. Also, Charlie pulled a knife on him too, send help.
* Oh dear Jesus the dialogue in this movie. Some of the worst CRAP I've heard someone spew since...well, fuck, since ever. I mean there's a point where stupid becomes painful, and this movie reached that point and sang a chorus of “Climb Every Mountain” on it.
* Amy Sedaris: I have loved you since “Strangers With Candy.” I thank you for only appearing briefly and thus saving you from being associated with this film.
*Can J.K. Simmons say no to a part? He's certainly a workaholic, but in this case it's not so admirable.
*The teenage sex scene between Needy (Amanda Seyfried) and Chip (Johnny Simmons) may have been the most realistic teenage sex ever. Kudos to the safe sex.
*A plot point: If my best friend forever was being pulled into a van by a bunch of guys I thought were assholes after we just escaped a fiery doom, I think I'd try a little harder to stop them from taking her, even if she dazedly said it was cool.
*Another plot point: Throw in a lesbian scene when things are getting slow! It's fan-friggin-tastic!
So, to sum up (in haiku):
this movie sucked hard
i would rather watch anything
than this piece of shit
- Tom
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